i have never ever felt so demoralised in my life.

firstly courses that i couldnt enter during the 2004 poly intake becomes courses that i can enter
in 2005 easily.
courses that interests me finally made their appearance on the 2007 poly intake.
i do not know what to do.

should i feel happy or sad?
some times, i just feel that my poly life is wasted away.
just sch, home, sch, home, not to mention public transport costs and time spent.
dragging myself to complete year2.
in fact, my year 2 in poly is one of the darkest days of my life.
now.. thinking back.. i just dont see anything fun during my year 2.
i just remember it as an awfully long period of suffering.
i just dont feel like continuing in my course. just wanted to get it over and done with.
didnt feel like a poly student.
there was nothing to connect me to SP, except having my name on the class register.
there wasnt any bond to speak about.
no nothing during my year 2.
i just feel a part of me has lived a life not worth living.
i... i... am at a loss of words for describing the doldrums of my poly life..
didnt start off very well either.. problems problems.. problems..
continued that way through year2...
and it FINALLY got better in year 3..
esp after getting to know saad and co..
lifted my spirits..
for once.. i felt like i belonged to SP..
and that i HAD a bond.. a bond that is not as breakable as those ive made during year 1 or 2..
bah... should call it a bond... should call it... a weak attraction to the school..
life in year 3.. 'chemically' changed the properties of it..
became stronger....
got closer to people..

hah.. wonder if u can call that a problem..
a mental state of the mind?
depression?
burn out?

sigh.. now i keep looking back during year 2..
i just.. cannot find anything to remember..
there's nothing worth remembering..
it just seemed like an empty bloc in my life..
i feel like i've wasted precious time.
1 year of my life spent on unproductive, boring, tedious accounting work.

i've told many people that i absolutely detest accounting..
but i think i under-state my self most of the time..
they just don't know wats the extend ...
lets just say its hatred... ahh ... i...
am rumbling..

talk about CCA..
came into SP feeling so 'on'
must do this and that..
but.. i've heard how people have slacked in poly..
and i thought it's only normal and natural to slack right from the start of the school acad year.
even tho theres something in me that says... 'study, study, study', a part of me that usually wins, says to slack and to use the computer..
so i end up feeling guilty because i know i didnt put in ANY effort ..
sems go by.. and my results show.
it seems i didnt really use my brains after all these semesters in the poly..
i find myself going to exams.. pretty empty 'brained'
and coming out.. feeling that i did not give my brains a good work out..
this is sooo contrary to my secondary school days..
where each paper would make me feel 'SHIOK' and i can take pride in saying that i have given my brain a through workout and its time to rest..
not here. :/
i give my brain a rest too much.
and i feel guily.

but at the same time i want to portray myself as a happy-go-lucky person..
sometimes TOO much, at the expense of everything else.
because i adore the happy-go lucky attitude.. i virtually negate myself of responsibilities and messed up my priorities..
this is what happen when i keep up a pretense.
it is just not me to be what i am not.


yr 3 is ending ..
in 1 week time... then... it'll be a week of study break..
then 2 weeks of exams.. with 4 papers for me...
man.. i feel.. actually i don't feel anything.
i just feel so numb.
this huge stone in me i doubt, will ever go away..

because everytime i look back in poly life..
pangs of regret would hit me..
and i would ask myself..
what did i gain from the experience there?
sadly nothing.

everytime i look back during the days in the poly..
i would be asking myself this question..
WHAT IF?
what if i did better by 2 points for my o lvls and made it to TP?
would my motivation be revved?
would i have a better time there?
would i have a CCA and be willing to stay back in school for it, because its nearer and more convenient to go home late?
would i now be filled with pangs of regrets?
WOULD I EVEN BE WRITING THIS GOD DAMN POST?
yes to all.. i believe.. except the last question..

and.. and.. i.. just.. tried so hard.. and i always pray for a pass..
a pass that never comes..
i tried practicing..
but.. it just doesnt work.
im just too far lagged behind.
in fact.. i'm already graduating a semester later than my friends..
and i dont want to make it 2.

i just dun feel like wasting anymore time.
when i look forward, i am so afraid of being in the wrong career path.
i am afraid i would waste my life away by doing things that i DO NOT enjoy to do.
i just want to get myself upon a path, and be on it so that i do not waste time exploring other career avenues.
i just DO NOT WANT TO WASTE ANYMORE TIME.


unfortunately.. its just so god damn difficult to choose wat path to take..
because i know which ever i choose.. i'll regret it somepoint in time..
i want to be so many things..
a pilot, a vet, a biomedical scientist, lecturer...
all different career choices.
pros vs cons for each option..

i think ill probably pray to God and let him decide for me in my dreams.
because i am leaving singapore
to go to somewhere else to dream, where everything is perfect.
and that place is called - dreamland.